... is, uh, difficult.
Tonight we had a Chinese that my Aunt bought us. It was lovely. Until I conjured up a new topic of conversation to the table, being the talks of my 17th birthday plans.
My mum promised me a party about two months ago. I wasn't too thrilled about this, to be frank, since I've never been a profound partier. Not the booze and speakers type, to say the least. And I was quite sure that was the type she had in mind, summing up my mum's character...
Anyhow, she continued, ensuring she'd divulge a few pounds since she wanted me to have a good time since I rarely get any living in the hell hole that we do presently. That comment, however, I was thrilled about. For once, my mother was admitting, in words, that life isn't cherries & ice cream for ME, either! I wanted to hug her, but something couldn't bring me to do it, since I was wearing my 'impenetrable armour' at that point, and didn't feel like letting loose too much emotion, even though emotions were screaming in my head. Yet I told her a party wasn't for me, regardless.
Tonight, I brought up my ideas for a week abroad for my birthday with a friend or two.
'Damn that' was pretty much her response. 'As long as you can pay for everything, go ahead'. What happened to forking out for a party? I asked her that. 'That was then, this is now. We don't have the money.'
And THIS is what I have had the whole of my life. Promises not kept. Lies as a child, lies now. Oh, whatever mum. Keep feeding me bull. Tell me you'll do something for me, tell me things will change, blah blah blah. This woman didn't even buy my a Christmas present, even though I spent £20 on hers. What the hell mum? I can't have a birthday celebration or even a Christmas present these days? O.o
Needless to say, this spiraled into an argument, subsequent to which I walked out, crying in my room for a small while, further fighting my frequent urges to gtfo of the house now and be done with it. You'd think I'm overeacting simply because I didn't get the nice birthday I was promised I could have. I wish I was just crestfallen about that. I so, so do.
The snow looks amazing tonight. It was better on Tuesday. It was the fluffy kind, the colour-drained candyfloss type. It's a bit mushy and icier tonight since the weather dropped. It's lovely and warm in my room however. =]
Well, to sum up this post - my mother needs to wisen up, tonight was a bittersweet evening, the weather is crisp and raw on the skin and I want to get on with life now.
Goodnight xo
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colouredcarousels
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